


All My Childish Fears

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Canon Compliant, Heavy Angst, M/M, Missing Scene, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Kylo Ren, en route to Jakku.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Kudos: 3
Collections: Darkpilot Songbook





	All My Childish Fears

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this partially inspired by the Evanescence song “My Immortal”, and partially a deleted chapter from my ficlet collection detailing the similarities and differences between Poe and Ben/Kylo.

He was supposed to take the shuttle to Jakku, just to acquire the map. 

The shuttle — sometimes Kylo was in a fit state to pilot. Sometimes he could manage it, flying his TIE Silencer through the inky black depths of outer space. Cutting through stars, through emptiness and the void, whether it be in space battles or going on missions, feeling the beauty of the ship simply moving. 

It almost reminded him of —

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? It was Poe. It was that one man, who meant the galaxy to him. A man with wild black hair and a radiant smile and a great big heart that had room for the whole galaxy in it. 

He stepped towards the cockpit. Towards the pilot who stood there, who was ready, more than ready, for his orders.

”Sir?” the pilot said. 

Kylo was about to say that he could handle it this time. Instead, he said, “I am...confident that you can handle your duties, sir.”

”Thank you.” The pilot sounded slightly confused at Kylo’s words, but nodded. 

Kylo stalked towards the meditation room of his shuttle. It was a mission, Snoke told him. A mission to get revenge on the man who had betrayed him. It hadn’t been a matter of Luke seeing the wrongness in him and being justified in killing him

(though maybe that was what it was)

(maybe there had been something special about Ben Solo, that let Luke know that he couldn’t be saved)

but a matter of being abandoned. Cast aside. His mother had been too happy to cast him aside, and then his uncle had cast him aside when he got tired of him. 

Had that been one of the reasons he’d pushed Poe away? He knew it was one of the reasons he wanted to kill the past. It still hurt, like his heart had been broken into splinters. Knowing that he had meant something to these people and then for some reason, he meant nothing to them. 

” _You’re not alone_.”

Poe had said that, in the holographic transmission when they'd said goodbye. There had been so much hope and belief in his voice, so much faith — somehow, even though he didn’t know why, Poe believed in him and cared for him. 

_You’re not alone_. 

Kylo entered the meditation room of his shuttle. Sat down. 

He sat in the meditation room, feeling its dark, sleek surroundings, its shadows. And he could feel the emptiness. Not outside, but inside, in his heart — stemming from the part where Skywalker and the Resistance thrived while Kylo lost everything. 

The part where it hurt. 

He drew on that. That yawning emptiness that seemed to have sharp teeth. He drew on the green, brilliant blade that illuminated the grim features of his uncle, like a reaper in the night. 

He drew on his mother sending him away, making promises she couldn’t keep. What he had felt across the galaxy, about how she had forgotten him in favor of Poe. How Poe had forgotten him as well. 

But there was something else too. 

The races they had across Adani, when Poe visited, in their ships. The way Poe looked at him. Like he was important. Like he mattered. 

Like he wasn’t nothing, not to Poe. 

_You’re nothing...but not to him_. 

It made it harder, he thought, to hold onto the emptiness. He struggled — he could imagine himself barely holding on by his fingernails —

 _You’re not alone. You never have been_. 

Poe’s voice. 

At least the rage that masked the grief was enough to keep Kylo going when they landed. 


End file.
